What Are Funerals For?
One morning this week I happened to read the obituary of a 49-year-old man. At the closing it read, "It was _____'s wish to not have any services." Though all of this man's grandparents had died, he left behind both parents, one step-parent, two children, two grandchildren, two sisters, two step-siblings, and numerous aunts, uncle, nephews, and other relatives and friends. All of these people need to mourn his passing. How will they do so, I wondered, without some planned event that would bring them together to console one another?
I believe the tradition of holding funerals was originated not for the deceased but to meet the needs of those left behind. My daughter suggested that perhaps his was not a happy family. That may be, but that does not mean they do not feel the loss. If so, their loss might be especially difficult to handle. Regardless, those left behind need to share the sharp pain that comes after a death. Sharing such a heavy burden initiates healing and brings gentleness to the agonizing process of beginning to move on.
I experienced great difficulty handling the deaths of two immediate family members, once when a son-in-law was killed in an auto accident on the way to work one morning, and the second in the gentle expiring of my dear husband following months of dealing with a terminal lung disease. Both times their funerals inspired stories of many joyous times shared with the deceased. There was laughing as well as crying, tears of joy mixed with sobs of painful loss. It would have been much harder to face both of these losses, had there been no sharing of their lives at the ends of them. I also suffered great turmoil when my father died, but for a different reason: his body was taken away before I had a chance to say Goodbye! He had donated his body to medical science and I, living a day's drive away, did not get to see him before his body was removed. My brother reassured me the next day that Dad was truly gone, and I was greatly relieved. I could not have foreseen that I would react this way, for it was the first time I had faced the death of someone so close to me. Had there been no family gathering, it would have taken months if not years for me to begin to deal with his death.
If or when you ever face the question, please opt for some kind of family gathering. It need not cost much, because price does not matter. It need not be elaborate or dark in nature, though funerals do need to respect and accept the feelings of the mourners and the varying ways they respond to the loss. Ultimately funerals are the celebration (or commemoration) of a life, but don't forget: they are held for the benefit of those left behind.
Enjoying the memories of my gone and treasured ones,
Margaret
I believe the tradition of holding funerals was originated not for the deceased but to meet the needs of those left behind. My daughter suggested that perhaps his was not a happy family. That may be, but that does not mean they do not feel the loss. If so, their loss might be especially difficult to handle. Regardless, those left behind need to share the sharp pain that comes after a death. Sharing such a heavy burden initiates healing and brings gentleness to the agonizing process of beginning to move on.
I experienced great difficulty handling the deaths of two immediate family members, once when a son-in-law was killed in an auto accident on the way to work one morning, and the second in the gentle expiring of my dear husband following months of dealing with a terminal lung disease. Both times their funerals inspired stories of many joyous times shared with the deceased. There was laughing as well as crying, tears of joy mixed with sobs of painful loss. It would have been much harder to face both of these losses, had there been no sharing of their lives at the ends of them. I also suffered great turmoil when my father died, but for a different reason: his body was taken away before I had a chance to say Goodbye! He had donated his body to medical science and I, living a day's drive away, did not get to see him before his body was removed. My brother reassured me the next day that Dad was truly gone, and I was greatly relieved. I could not have foreseen that I would react this way, for it was the first time I had faced the death of someone so close to me. Had there been no family gathering, it would have taken months if not years for me to begin to deal with his death.
If or when you ever face the question, please opt for some kind of family gathering. It need not cost much, because price does not matter. It need not be elaborate or dark in nature, though funerals do need to respect and accept the feelings of the mourners and the varying ways they respond to the loss. Ultimately funerals are the celebration (or commemoration) of a life, but don't forget: they are held for the benefit of those left behind.
Enjoying the memories of my gone and treasured ones,
Margaret
